I’m a planner. I make to-do lists multiple times a day, and like to have everything planned out. While I like surprises, I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I like things the way I like them, and I’m stubborn about it. I hate being wrong, and always have to have the last word (I’m really working on that one).
So uncertainty is not my friend. I am at a point in my life where uncertainty is not good. As a recent college graduate, everyone expects you to know what you want to do and pretty much expects you to have a job. But it isn’t that easy. This is where I am currently facing the most uncertainty in my life. Although I graduated with an undergraduate degree, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I enjoy *some* of what I studied in college, but I don’t know enough about it to begin a career in it. My dream job would be blogging, selling Chloe + Isabel, and maybe running a professional organizing business. But this isn’t what people want to hear when they ask you how the job search is going or what kind of job your degree will get you. And it isn’t really what I want to feel either. I long to be the person who studied something in college, worked hard, got an amazing job offer, and is now set with a salary, bought their own car, and has their own place. But at the same time I am conflicted and don’t want that at all.
This uncertainty makes me a very confused person. While I am meticulously looking for a job, I am also avoiding it. While I want a salary, I’m also content with my part-time job and my small business. I am stuck in this weird gray area that I don’t want to be in. I just want to be a self-sufficient, working, independent young woman. Uncertainty has left me with lots of spaces and gaps in my current daily routine. It leaves me without one solid goal and one ultimate thing to work towards.
Another thing about this uncertainty is that I am uncertain how to go about it. I have grown up in a culture that urges you to “work a job you love so you will never work a day in your life” and where online headlines boast about young adults who moved to a remote island, now work as an ice-cream scooper, and feel like their life is complete and utter perfection. I am stuck in this vacuum that is what I should do/what I need to do/what I want to do. I have this on one shoulder, and then the “just get a job to make some money, you don’t have to like it” on the other shoulder. Some people even give me mixed signals about which way to go. All in all, I am lost in this sea of uncertainty, still unsure where to go from this point.
One thing I do know is that I will not push myself. I am going at my own personal rate that I feel comfortable with, and in the end – everything will work out.